Reminiscing on the last DIVAs meeting themed “The Man of my dreams”. DIVAs, believe me when I say I haven’t fully recovered from the wisdom that was poured out on us by one of my role models (from afar lol) Bro. Deolu Ogunnubi a.k.a Papa Dee. You can still get the video on our diva page on Facebook
It started by Papa Dee asking us individually the kind of man we wanted and trust us now, we all had different answers to give ranging from “I want a man who would always laugh at my jokes” “He has to love me more than I love him.” “He has to be from my place as per my state” “He has to be someone who is not easily irritable”. “He has to be smart.” “He has to be tall, I’m tall so he has to be. I like chubby guys.”
We all had our different ideas of what we wanted in our man but as papa Dee continued with his message, I noticed that he kept emphasizing on “If you want a godly relationship or a godly marriage…” Emphasis on “if” because, not everyone truly wants a godly marriage. In some of our minds, we’d rather just settle for something “good” than something “God” because it’s never that deep. But lol, it is that deep.
Papa Dee explained that marriage is an establishment or institution of God but many a times, people go into it without understanding the concept of marriage being God’s idea first of all, so they ruin it.
The meat of the event was when Papa Dee gave us some red flags (warning signs) when it comes to choosing the “man of our dreams” oh scratch that, he said we should be looking out for the man of God’s dreams for us. I’ll briefly share those red flags below.
1. Accountability test: a guy who has no mentor (spiritual authority) and is not accountable to anyone is risky. That means he is a man of his own and won’t take corrections from anyone. So when the both of you have issues, there’s no authority figure that can rebuke him or reset his head.
2. Integrity test: Is he a man of his words? Does he say I’ll pick you up by 4pm but arrives by 8pm without seeing any reason to apologize or explain? Seems petty right? Also, how is his integrity when it comes to money? Is he prudent with money? Is he always borrowing for Africa but failing to repay?
Does his actions follow through with his words? Is he an Ekwueme? ? Be cautious of people who are mouthed without any action.
3. Staying power: How often does he change his church? “Oh, the people in this church don’t pray well” “the people here are somehow” “the people in this church don’t walk in love” and every six months he is changing church, it may mean that, he doesn’t have staying power. If a man can’t stay in one church or is always changing his church from time to time because of things he doesn’t like, how can he stay in a marriage when things start going in a way he doesn’t like? You don’t necessarily leave a place because things are not working out, how can you let the love of God work in you to make things work? #Selah
4. Sexuality test: What is his stand on premarital sex? Do your discussions all the time revolve around how he likes your body and that’s all he thinks about. Nothing tangible is discussed. Whenever you are around he wants to just “feel” you and he keeps pressurising you for sex all the time. It’s necessary you know his stand on issues of sex and purity, because you can’t assume that everyone is on the same page as you are, simply because they are ‘brothers’ in church.
Papa Dee emphasized that there may be a fall, where a sincerely Godly man may misbehave but if it is a ‘constant practice’ it is a red flag and will be very dangerous in the future, as he will not be able to control his sex appetite in marriage.
5. Habits and Addictions: Make sure you are acquainted with his journey as regards his habits and addictions (both past and present).
How is he working towards overcoming his habits by the help of the Spirit or how did he overcome them?. If you know nothing about that aspect of his life, then it’s a red flag for both of you, as you are not having right and adequate conversations
6. Know his past relationships: How and why did it end? This will help to give you pointers of who he is and his real values on relationships.
7. The God factor test: The most important test. If you’re interested in a godly marriage, your man should stand as a priest that can lead you and your family spiritually. Why should you be cajoling him to pray or come to church? I read a thread by one my faves on Twitter (Aurrah) and she said that it’s surprising how some of us cannot date a man who doesn’t have a job or a degree but we can date a man void of the Holy Spirit who doesn’t have a relationship with God. If you can’t discuss the things of God “together,” not just a one-sided, forced lecture or sales pitch, that’s a red flag. Gbam.
If you’re settling for the fact that “they don’t mind,” that you’re a believer, you have to ask yourself why that is. We can be so desperate for attention and companionship that we’re blinded by desire and are willing to condense our walk with God for the sake of emotions. There are many things that you can reasonably compromise on/for a relationship, your walk and relationship with God is NOT one of them. It’s non negotiable.
This isn’t one sided, anyways. I read a post by one of our beautiful sisters (Chika Okoro), see the link to the post here and she said something profound. She said that we, ladies, should always look into the mirror and see that we are becoming a reflection of what we want to see in our man. You too should be accountable, should have integrity, should have a staying power etc. Basically, prepare yourself for the man God is preparing for you. I read a tweet by another of my faves on Twitter (@ProphetUgo) and the tweet read “It’s funny how some of us desire a God fearing spouse when we are not God fearing at our end. So you want to come and spoil some body’s relationship with God so you can have your Bible study Instagram pictures” lool, what a table shaker.
This is one great table that has been shook and many of us have fallen off but even though the righteous woman falls seven times, she will rise again.
Grace and Peace! xx