By: Fikayo Akeredolu
I’ve never had what most would call a proper relationship but I am the queen of situationships (if you don’t know what that is, look it up). The point is when it comes to romantic entanglements, I have a tendency to make comically tragic decisions. I have a tendency to jump in head first. The saying jump in haste and repent at leisure was coined for me.
After a series of particularly disastrous entanglements in 2016 and 2017, I promised I’d clean up in 2018 and focus on me while being more level headed. Despite making this promise to myself, I had this desperate longing for someone to share myself with. I wanted someone to dull an ache that followed me around but no one seemed forth coming. My insanely busy life didn’t allow for room to meet people and I was too lethargic to try online dating. So I figured, I’d bid my time till someone came along. There was always the nagging voice telling me I might die alone but I was so sure there was someone for me I was willing to keep indulging my romantic fantasies.
And then barely 2 months into 2018, I meet someone. He was smart, funny, kind and of the right pedigree. My mother would have approved but he was best friends with a previous ‘entanglement’ of mine and his ex was sister of an old classmate. The thing was doomed from the start. He made me happy, he made me laugh and I told him all about me. Even the things you can’t take back. He was not as expressive in words, feelings and actions. The truth is he wasn’t the knight in shining armour I wanted but he was the teaching yoda I needed. One day I wrote him a long lyrical message to him begging him to be more expressive. His response was short and harsh. To paraphrase him, we’ve just met I am getting to know you, give me my space. The romantic in me died, the pragmatist in me scowled and the cynic in me laughed.
I started thinking to myself maybe in my desperate search for romance and its frills, I had forgotten to build myself. Shouldn’t you focus on you instead of waiting and watching for love? I mean yes, I’d made a to do list for the year with my goals and I was being practical to achieve them but what was driving me? I’d blamed my previous entanglements for not being able to give me the romance I wanted but maybe I was the problem? What exactly was I looking for? What social media generated idea of romance was I pursuing?
Maybe I am the problem? Maybe the reason I am here as I am is because I still have a lot of growing up to do. What if I am truly not ready and it’s the fact that I am seeing other people in these ‘couple goals’ pictures that I am looking for something that I’m not ready to have? I don’t mean to be arrogant but I know I am made for so much more. I am made to rule nations and to influence society, maybe this is the time to lay the foundations for that instead of desperately wanting someone to hold my hand on walks to the mall.
So here’s my take going forward. Adam was the one God took the rib from. Eve had all her parts complete. Whoever I am meant to be with is the one missing a very vital part of their life. Me. I am not the one who needs to be searching. So I am focusing on me. I am complete, I do not need to roam.